I’ve been feeling not good enough lately. I’ve been going to a dance class and it’s pretty obvious that I’m the weakest link. I’m a slow learner, and normally I’m okay with this, but this is something where everyone is supposed to be in sync. I know I have a tendency to overthink the moves, and then I trip myself up and only seem to get worse as everyone else gets better and better.
I had checked my horoscope recently and it said to listen to what others say, as this may be the universe trying to speak directly to you. I have a fb friend that is wildly successful at her stay at home job that she loves, and she recently posted the words “You are LAZY” in a post about not blaming the world for your circumstances and just having more ambition to get what you want. Now, I had to read this a couple times over and thought to myself, ouch universe. Harsh. But I go through this cycle of trying to defeat negative thinking all the time…I always see people, literally everyone it seems, who has more than me. And no, not just financially…I mean I feel like I am lacking in all departments…perpetually broke, feeling stuck in a shitty corporate job that I hate, very few people I call friends and even fewer family. Basically my support system isn’t there. I was raised to believe that everything is a struggle, nothing comes easy, and so if it does it’s probably too good to be true. This mentality has left me very depressed over the years because I don’t like to ask for help, and I don’t trust the good things…I don’t think they’re for me. If something good happens for me, I must have stolen someone else’s joy.
So many times I’ve tried to “stay positive” and pull myself out of this…I’ve done a lot; baby steps, great strides… major pitfalls. I’m trying hard to think about my energy as currency, and instead of worrying so much about how I spend money, think more about how I spend my energy. Just there, I was going to say worry about spending my energy…but I don’t want to worry about it…that’s a shitty waste of energy!! (See what I did there).
The thing is, I do spend a lot of time thinking about the state of the world, and how fucked up it is, and how I have ideas to make it better but no way to implement them. When I say them out loud, people think I’m crazy. You’d think I’d get used to it…but I’m sensitive, so it cuts me down and I want to just crawl under a rock and give up. How do people just have the get-up-and-go drive to do things? It must seem like a silly question for those that do it every day, but maybe it’s just because I overthink everything and burn all my energy before I even lift a finger. It’s a wonder I’m even writing this -on my phone-because I knew I’d lose the motivation to write if I took the time to get my laptop and start it up.
Just like with my dance class, everything in my life moves more freely when I just have a little more trust in myself, and my skills. It’s funny, I can usually do things just fine when no one is watching, but as soon as eyes are on me I fall apart. I suppose I really can’t let others affect me like that.
As for being lazy or not wanting things bad enough, I guess I have to say that I never thought of ambition as a good thing. It isn’t necessarily good or bad…but in humans it has a tendency to lead to greed and destruction, unsustainable consumerism, and the deterioration of other values. Because ambitious people are perceived as being better, their value of the bottom line becomes the standard while things like compassion, patience, and understanding go out the window. Ambition isn’t good or bad in and of itself, but it does matter what motivates that person. Are they ambitious about making the world a better place, or making their world a better place?