…a little place with slanted walls and crawl spaces, just for kitty and me. A feeling of independence. A place to call my own. Motivation. I wanted to stop spending so much time staring at walls daydreaming and spend more time actually doing stuff. I knew that getting over that hump would take some force. I figured since I am a physical being, the laws of physics still apply to me: An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless acted on by an outside force. I didn’t want to be a schlump anymore, I wanted to be able to look back at my life and see the tangible results of my efforts…not just a messy pile of daydreams that never came to fruition.
So now I’m up at 4:00a.m. five to six days a week, working 10+ hours a day (yay overtime)!! and have about 4.5 hours a day after work to get everything I need to get done, done. I used to spend way too much money going out to lunch at previous jobs, or just buying coffee on my breaks. So I spent the three days with a caffeine withdraw headache, and now I don’t need to make time for it, or spend money on it. When I get home I make muffins, or soup, or whatever it is that I’ll need for lunch and snacks. I get out of work around 3:30-4:00p.m, which is nice because I still have daylight to get things done and run whatever errands I need to run. I am still very much tempted to just sit on my ass and watch t.v. when I get home, but I know my next day will be miserable if I don’t just roll with the motivation I have left and get my work done before play. It leaves me with about half an hour to wind down at night, and that is fine by me. I can sleep soundly after a long day, knowing that I’m doing what I need to do for now.
I don’t know how long I will last working these crazy hours, but I keep reminding myself, “this is what I wanted”. I wanted to work at this place because there was no where else around that I wanted to work at. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to have to do stuff all day so I wouldn’t just sit around wasting time. I wanted to get up earlier. I wanted to stop spending money on lunch/snacks and just make my own. I wanted to work hard. I wanted to get stronger. This is what I wanted…this is what I wanted…this is what I wanted! Now that I have it I need to remember to be in it…not just daydream my way through work, but to just be in it.
Somehow I can feel it all working out behind the scenes. The planets are aligning themselves, and I am aligning myself with them. I can feel the cosmic dance pulling me along, and now I am finally learning the steps so I can try to keep pace. If I can keep up, there is no telling where I will end up…but for now I’m just going to keep moving forward, trying to embrace each moment as it comes.