I’ve lost my inspiration…I think it fell down.
Perhaps it fell out of my pocket, perhaps I left it on a bench.
Wherever it is, it isn’t here now. I’ll have to find a new one, I’ll have to start fresh.
Perhaps I’ll find the right one, the one that will stay with me. Not leave in a pinch, not run out after awhile.
Perhaps I’ll be perpetually searching, for this inspiration inside of me. I can’t seem to find it…I don’t have eyes inside.
I’m lost in a sea of thought, and I can’t get any of it out. If I swim down to the bottom, I could probably pull the plug…but I might just go down the drain myself.
Homework on my mind…pressure and volume and temperature and numbers of moles. All I can think of is the pressure in my mind as the thoughts bounce off the walls faster and faster. I can’t get it out. There is just too much. I don’t know where to start.
I think I know what I need to do, but I don’t know what I should do. I am lost in a sea of mind babble. I try to concentrate, but it’s like a magnifying glass in the light…it just burns the inside of my brain, and the thoughts rush in to heal it.
I think my mind is going through some kind of mitosis…it’s growing and expanding and maybe planning. It will probably break in half soon, and then maybe the thoughts will pause for long enough for me to get it together.
Maybe it is preparing for meiosis, and I’ll grow a whole new mind altogether. Maybe that mind will be more calm, focused, and inspired.
Maybe that mind knows where I left that piece of love that I need. Maybe it was in the old mind, but it had to go away to prepare for its transformation. Maybe my new mind will sprout and grow and take hold of these rambling thoughts and turn them into nutrients for the flowers of my imagination.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have been constantly growing a new mind, out of a new brain, but my brain has been stunted, so my mind has been stuck. Bombarded by thoughts that it cannot make use of…bombarded by uselessness, that made it so tired. I feel like my skull is an exoskeleton that needs to be shed. I’ve felt the cosmic zap, and my body is taking too long to catch up. Perhaps I need a new one…but mostly I think I just need to grow this one. This one is tired, stifled, held back, muted. This body has been shunned, and discouraged from growing in time with my mind. I think they were secretly hoping that I would die…they don’t want the mind and body to be together on the same plane. Especially not on this plane…Not on a plane of righteous not giving-a -fuck-about-the-man.
My mind knows something I don’t know…and it itches. It itches to tell me all that I need right now, but it knows better than to spoil the surprise. I’ll figure it out when I get there…but I really should be getting there soon. I’ve been looking for that lost inspiration for so long that I forgot I don’t even need it. It has just become a distracting obsession.
These thoughts that bump into my brain are nothing but distractions. My mind knows this, and so ignores them. My body then ignores them, but it feels the loss. And so before I know it, it is off seeking that inspiration again, thinking that if I only found it everything would fall into place. But it is gone. I will not find it…it is not there. It is in my new mind…growing, incubating. All I can do now is keep that little egg of knowing safe, and hope that when it hatches my physical brain doesn’t have an aneurysm. All I can hope for is that my body can keep up, that my brain and mind will somehow find each other, like pairs of chromosomes lining up to make shit happen. I hope this is just the calm before the storm, and not the signs of eternal brain rot.