Oh, what to do? Everyday I wonder this: what should I do with myself? I fill my head with dreams that never seem to come to fruition, and only because I am too distracted to make them so. I want to do so many things, but I inevitably spend all my time alone. What fun is doing stuff when you have no one to share it with?
Another sunny day greeted me this morning, and while the possibilities seem endless, the reality is that I will drink my coffee, spend too much time on the internet, and then try to get something done before the day is all gone. I’ll probably do some laundry, but only fold half of it; I’ll do some dishes, but never make any food. Halfway through the day I’ll suddenly realize that I’m starving, and will take so much time figuring out what to eat that I’ll forget what I was doing and just keep starving for another hour.
I’ll likely spend hours today daydreaming about all the things I could accomplish if only I stopped staring out the window and did something. I’ll think about the dress I want to sew, but don’t want to start because I’m a little shy on fabric and don’t want to fuck it up. I’ll think about how I want to take Tai Chi, but can’t afford it either financially or temporally. I’ll think about how I want to play an instrument and sing, but can only seem to sound good when it’s just me and the cat. (Maybe I’m just not that good and the cat is not saying anything)? Sometimes I think I’m funny and I want to make a cartoon about cats and do silly voices for them. I want to spend days photographing and making art, but always seem to lose my inspiration as soon as I start. As soon as school starts up again I’ll think about how I should have been doing all these things while on break…and I’ll still spend hours daydreaming about these things instead of doing my homework.
I’m trying hard to break this cycle. I had thought it was all just procrastination, but it is really more distraction. I can’t seem to focus on anything long enough to get it done because I let myself be distracted my stupid things…like my loneliness. Oh well. I might as well be lonely and productive than lonely and bored.