I can feel myself on the cusp of some great change. I am teetering like a ballerina in stiff pointe shoes on the edge of something so much larger than myself. Or maybe I have been wasting time standing still trying to balance as the world spins beneath my feet and I am just now preparing to make a move. Either way, I think it’s best to keep the chin high and center of balance low. Am I ready to take a leap of faith? Am I finding God? I am trying to remain open to the wonders and miracles that go unnoticed day by day, (like the housefly that is somehow still alive outside my window, and the coral glow of sunrise shining on the fresh snow on the mountains) and each day I feel more blessed, I also feel more vulnerable. I guess what I am realizing is that I’ve been vulnerable all along, it is only an illusion that I have any control over my life.
This illusion of control is really what has been holding me back, it is the true source of my vulnerability. For when I fail, I blame myself. The anger and disappointment I feel in myself is what breaks me down and weakens my belief in my own capabilities. Every failure in my life becomes a reason to not try again. Every failure makes me vulnerable to that disappointment. Believing that I should be able to control my “fate” only makes me open to attack (mostly from myself) when things don’t turn out the way I would have liked them to. If I was truly in control wouldn’t I have been living my dreams already? Wouldn’t everyone?
So, I’m learning to let it go. As a science minded person I can’t help but think biologically about this. Of course I have control over my life…I can choose what I put into my body and mind, and I can use my body and mind in any way I see fit. I am not some marionette on the end of a string. If I want to go do something, all there is to do is to do it. However, upon thinking deeper I see where I’ve been going wrong. Living and thriving are two very different things. Survival of the fittest is not necessarily all there is to it. Those that adapt are the ones who prevail. I cannot chose to do things the way I want to do them and always assume that there is no better way. I must be open to doing things that may seem roundabout, or just not something I want to buckle down and do. Sometimes the best path is the scenic route, not the most direct. So, rather than those stiff pointe shoes, I must be like the flexible ballerina. Like the willow branch~for when the wind blows, those that do not bend may break instead.
I am coming to understand how my greatest asset is also a great source of grief…my judgement. I have always been a rather judgmental person (I can’t help being born on the Day of Evaluation)! and I have always considered this to be to my benefit. I have avoided many dangerous situations based on my judgments of people, as well as avoided many efforts that would later prove to have been a waste of time. I try hard not to just openly judge people, and many times I have ignored my judgement in order to give the benefit of the doubt. I also try hard to put myself in other people’s shoes, so that I can have a more fair assessment of their motives. This tendency, to evaluate things, to judge, to organize and compartmentalize may make it easier to get by in a purely material world, but it has left my spirit stripped. It is not wise to break the world down like this, in black and white, because life expresses not only so many shades of grey, but also another whole dimension of colors. It’s no fun to see the world as though it were a newspaper, seeing only one side of every story, seeing only black and white facts, no subtlety, no nuances. To live life looking at only one facet at a time removes the sparkle.
And so, I am learning to step back, to look at the whole, and to try to see my place in it. The thing that has always appealed to me most about religion is that sense that something out there is looking out for you…that something else truly wants you to succeed, and is rooting for you. While I always understood the comfort in this, I also always thought that this way of thinking differs responsibility. I alone am responsible for myself, and must act accordingly. I can’t just “open my heart” and expect that God or his angels are going to swoop in and do everything for me. However, I am also realizing that perhaps the universe lines up more than I think, and all that needs to be done is to set the first piece in motion.
As I spin through infinity it occurs to me that being open to the world brings danger and vulnerability, but also wonder and awe at the beauty that surrounds us everyday. Locked up in my comfort zone I can never experience all that life has to offer. Time to step out, like Dorothy, and open the door to a world of color.