Oy. I’ve been having a particularly intense few weeks, and it’s leaving me rather drained. Oddly enough though, to a certain point having a lot to do is my motivation to keep going, but once I get some down time I never want to get back up. (What’s that they say about objects in motion)?
I think one big part of my problem right now is a foot injury that has prevented me from going on my regular uphill walk to the arboretum. It’s amazing how far a little exercise will go to help keep you energized. After taking it easy for a couple days I found myself struggling not to take a nap while doing homework…then it became struggling to not just sleep all day. That was a problem. My sleep schedule was way out of whack, and so my eating schedule started to suffer as I was starving for dinner at about 4:00a.m. not to mention having to get up at 7:00 to get to school. (Why did I want to go back to school again? Oh yeah…mad bling..that’s right, eyes on the prize$$). Anyway, I’m starting to get back on track again, which left me a few moments to try to squeeze something wonderful out of my head onto this blog for y’all like some glorious zit. Sorry, I guess it’s just sebaceous fluids for you instead.
All of this napping left me to think about what the hell motivates me in the first place. I feel like I used to just want to do stuff all the time, whereas now I feel like some crabby old lady that makes excuses all the time. “Well, I could go out and enjoy myself, but I’m broke, and I don’t know what to wear, and my hair is being weird, and I have this hangnail, and, I mean, I couldn’t possibly leave my cat at this time of night…” Yep. That’s the life. Sometimes I see people, you know, those people who seem to just have time to do it all; they go running in the morning, eat well, hold down two jobs, have a happy relationship, party all night and go on great adventures every weekend. You see the pictures and hear the stories, and you know that they must have some boring side to them somewhere…right? Between all their friends and parties they must secretly crave to just sit around in sweatpants for a night with a quarter of their body weight in junk food watching other people make fools of themselves on some vain reality television show. I mean, I can’t be the only one, right?!
In reality though, real reality–where life happens–I wish I had time to do all these fun things and not feel like I was about to have a seizure from sleep deprivation. I wish I was better at managing my time so that I could save money by not buying things out of convenience. (Bringing a lunch instead of buying out is a case in point). I wish I could just let go of all my stupid little hangups without neglecting responsibilities. Where is the balancing point? I know people who have partied it up and say that they wish they had focused on their education instead. I know people who have worked hard in school and got jobs only to hate what they do now, they can’t believe they worked so hard and stressed out so much over it, and they wish that they had lived it up a little more while they were younger. All I’ve learned from this is that life will always leave you with a little more to be desired from it unless you let go of that desire.
Maybe this is all that Tao stuff I’ve been reading about, but it makes sense. Instead of trying to find motivation, I think I’m better off just going with the flow. If motivation wants to be found, it will. I’m not going to do stuff because I have to anymore, but because I don’t want to not do it. (Even dishes)! I’m sick of fantasizing in my head about all the stuff I could or should or eventually will get around to doing, but instead I need to just git ‘er done. I’m always fiddling around with details, and getting stuck on irrelevant points, and taking too much precious time to do too little. Boo.
That being said, it’s time to get some more shit done! That’s my impromptu brain splurge for tonight, and unlike my last few post I will not nit-pick the shit out of this, editing it for weeks before posting, only making it worse in the process. No, you get this one freshly popped…enjoy.